When my dear Aunt Flo shows, I know it is CD1 and time to
call the RE to schedule an appointment. 
A new cycle means new hopes – or let downs.  And this last cycle was definitely a letdown.   My first
Clomid Cycle combined with an IUI was not successful.  Why? Who knows!  All I know is that it’s another month down
the drain.

Now, the RE has me on
150 mg of Clomid (three 50 mg pills at night), instead of the 100 mg I was on
last cycle.   The last time we met, both
of the RE’s we see stated they would take me off of Clomid due to the headaches
I experienced when taking it.  The
headaches weren’t horrible, and since I’d have to order a 30-day supply of
Femara because I am no longer able to pick it up at a pharmacy, it made sense
to just put me right back on Clomid.  Her
words were “I don’t want to make you miserable, so let me know if you
experience anything worse than headaches.” 
If the higher dose of Clomid doesn’t work, one of my RE’s stated they’d
put me on injectables, which is a more aggressive approach.   At this point, I’d try anything.
To make things even more exciting (insert sarcasm), I found
out that my both my iron and Vitamin D levels are low.   With everything going on right now, I think
I know I need a vacation.   A beach vacation sounds nice!  At least some fun in the sun will help in increasing
my Vitamin D levels.  In the meantime, I’ve
picked up 2000 mg Vitamin D supplements from the Vitamin Shoppe.  I didn’t pick up any extra iron supplements because
I need to find something that doesn’t make me constipated.  Any suggestions?
So…Umm, yeah… we’re just going to pretend like I’m not here
struggling with [secondary] infertility…

I rarely throw myself a pity party, but, oftentimes I’m
subjected to listening to others, so spare me a minute while I do just that –
give myself a big ole pity party with lots of wine, champagne and margaritas.  Besides, I think I deserve it.  At 29, I never thought that this would be
part of my life’s story.  For whatever
messed up reason, it is.
Just because we already have one child, whom we both love
very much, does not mean we don’t want another one.  We’d love for mini me to have a sibling.  I mean, my husband and I both reserve the
right to be disappointed that there’s a possibility that we can’t expand our
family … or even for me to give him a son or another daughter.   So
tell me why can’t we be deeply appreciative for having what we have but still
want more? Why do we lose that
right? I feel like when people say things like “You already have (insert mini
me’s name)” or “People go through worse things.” Completely diminishes and
disregards my feelings, and is, excuse my “French”, fucked up!  At the same time, no amount of sympathizing or
[fake] concern can make up for how I feel as a result of what I’m going
I still have to function as a “normal” person – a wife, a
mom, a sister, a friend – when things that used to be normal in my life just
aren’t.  My whole life right now is consumed with getting pregnant; weekly doctor’s appointments, fertility drugs, sonograms etc. I’m grateful for the two week “break”
I get after ovulation.  It really isn’t a
break since I’m left to wonder, during those two weeks, if the egg was fertilized and implanted.  But, a break from not having to wake up early
for blood work, ultra sounds, and setting game plans for the cycle is a break, nonetheless.   
Now, let us get back to me being able to functioning as a “normal”
person.  When you’re struggling with – Uggh!
I hate even using this term –  infertility, the very last thing you want to do
is attend, plan or help plan someone else’s baby shower, especially when you’re
a few months away from what would have been your due date.  Baby showers are a painful reminder of what’s
not happening for people struggling with conceiving.   And this
year, I’ve been so lucky to have at least five showers to attend, and one I had
to help plan.  No, I am not complaining,
but so what if I am!  And no, it doesn’t
mean I am not happy for these couple either because I am.  It just means that I feel sad, cheated, and
frustrated by my own situation. 
Remember, I have feelings, too.  I
think people forget that.
And I’m so sick of people coming to me and asking me why I
didn’t tell them or speak with them about it. I don’t want to or maybe I do,
but I know that it isn’t an easy or comfortable conversation to have. Instead
of taking things personally, just ask me how I am doing.  It costs you nothing to ask.  Even though you may get a generic “I’m doing
well.” At least I know you asked and maybe care.

The question: “Oh, are you pregnant?”  are not at all helpful, people!  And the last one, which was asked by my mom,
just threw me over the edge. Over the edge! I feel
badly about the way I responded, but my God! Learn how to speak to people.  Yes, I’ve put on weight which is more than
likely due to a combination of the medication, bloating from my period, and my sedentary
lifestyle, but that doesn’t mean I’m pregnant. 
The reaching out to touch my fat, non-pregnant belly, especially without
asking me was just way too much – for me. 
I blame the hormones. 
And this, my friends, is the end of my pity party.  No, I am not drunk!

I think I’m going to be saying this often.  

Check out this article “Secondary Infertility Becoming More Common

This is a great photo journal created by a couple that struggled for 6 years to get pregnant – Our Six Year Fertility Journey: The Struggles, Heartache and Triumph

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Kim S.

Kim is the do-it-all mom (and wife) who not only works full-time and is a freelance makeup artist, but also blogs about her love of family, travel, beauty and skincare. Now that she has a kindergartener, Kim has added Class Parent to her resume. These are all tough jobs, but somehow, she makes them look easy.

  • NewYorkStateof MoM

    You and the Mr are both fully allowed to have your frustrations! You have a dream and something is in the way! Get upset, cry, and then leave it God’s hands. I still get depressed when I think my second baby should have been born last year (according to my dream life) but He knows when your next baby is coming and he/she will be just as perfect as Chloe! I’m praying for you guys, of course I’m a lil biased and wishing for a boy! Excited for you!

  • From Maybe To Baby

    You describe an all too familiar series of emotions for those of struggling with fertility. I too have discomfort with the term “infertility,” it seems weird, wrong, and hopeless. Fertility “challenged” is equally weird. I just call it a “journey to baby.” You bring up an interesting point about having to carry on as a “normal,” person despite the fact that fertility treatment has taken over your life (for the time being.) It seems as though those of us who have been down (or are still going down this path) find ourselves in this same place. Sharing what is going on with you is a double edged sword. If you put your business out there, the risk is that everyone shares in your joy, but at the same time, they become all too familiar with your pain, when your cycle doesn’t turn out the way you had hoped. I kept things to myself–I preferred to suffer in silence. I’m not sure if I wold change that…Best of luck to you. I have written a lot about the journey to baby…some of it may hit home! http://www.frommaybetobaby.com/survivaltips/you-guys-having-kids-keys-to-answering-the-question-infertile-couples-hate/

    • Thank you for stopping by. The last time I dealt with this, I did just like you – kept everything inside. It wasn’t at all good for me. It made me crazy! LOL I started writing about it here. I figured there are other people out there like me who could benefit from my posts….

      I’m adding your site to my reading list.

  • Ugh, Clomid is the worst. I just finished my first round of IVF and let me tell you- none of the drugs I took on IVF were as bad as Clomid. I’m sure other people have had different experiences, but that was how it went for me. Clomid gave me terrible headaches and mood swings, and it thinned my lining. Femara was a much better choice for me. Best wishes to you on this cycle.

    • Hey 🙂 I read your blog.

      I saw that you’re going through IVF. I hope your first round is a success.

      I thought Clomid was giving me headaches last time, but this time I’m not so sure if it was the Clomid because I haven’t experienced them. I am weepy. Tonight I take my last does. Thank God

      • Thanks for the well wishes, Kim. So glad you didn’t get the headaches this time, and so glad you’re almost done!

  • Kim

    Coming from a woman who has not been able to get pregnant, I get annoyed when other women complain about not being able to have a second. Yes, they (you) may be appreciate of the one you do have but for those in my position, we still see it as complaining despite already being blessed with one.

    It’s okay to be upset and your feelings are in no way inferior to mine and other women struggling but a little sensitivity and understanding does go a long way.

    • Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your thoughts and views. Trust me, I’m not complaining. It took me a few miscarriages to have my current child. To go through the same thing again is a lot. I am sorry you’re struggling with conceiving, too, but just because I have one and you have none does not mean my feelings through this process are not valid.

      You say my feelings are in no way inferior to yours, but you’re making it seem that way. If you didn’t believe my feelings aren’t inferior what you’ve commented wouldn’t have been written. At the end of the day, we are both two women struggling with trying to conceive.

      • Kim

        I am in no way saying your feelings are not valid nor are they inferior to mine. My only point is that some women do complain (not saying you’re complaining) when they can’t get pregnant with a second while women like myself have been waiting a long time (in my case, 8 years) for that miracle.

        Knowing now you’ve had miscarriages puts things into a different perspective because you do understand the frustration of trying to have that one child.

        • Thank you!

          Yes, I know all to well the pain of not knowing whether or not you’ll be able to have a child. Most people (friends and family) know I am not a complainer. But, what I’m going through right now and previously (I’m 29, which is fairly young), is draining. I’ve been positive for the last year and 3 months since TTC #2. I know some people have TTC their first for MANY more years, but that still doesn’t mean I hurt less than they do.

          No one, at any stage of TTC without positive results should be made to feel guilty about feelings they’re having. Period.